Living in Depression

A lot of people say, you know like ” oh i feel kinda depressed today “. I think everybody has ups and downs through life. But there’s no comparasion, I had my ups and downs too before I ever had this type of depression. There are no words to describe the difference between it and ordinary ups and downs that everyone has, because in these ups and downs through life, you know like ” well, tomorrow I’m gonna feel better, the sun will shining ” and so on, but when you’re depressed it doesnt matter whether its black of night or whether the sun will be shining, whether its pouring rain, or anything else, nothing looks good. It’s all blackness.

It’s very difficult to put it into words, though there’s an old saying about this place called hell where bad people go to after they’re dead, after they die. The worst part about hell, is not the flames, its the hopelessness. And I think that is the part of hell that a person in depression really tastes. The hopelessness, the terrible hopelessness thats comes over. Everything is black. There’s nothing cheerful in anything at all. All you could see is death. For instance, I’d say what’s the use of getting up, what’s the use of eating, I’m only gonna die someday anyway. What’s the use of doing anything, because it’s pointless, It’s all going to end in death. Whether I arranged it to do it myself, or whether I just sit it out.

Balancing school, friends, and life while struggling with mental illness. ( Part 1 )

Hello Friends…

First of all, I want to congratulate every single one of you who struggle with any kind of situation in life and still managed to come off strong and be here today to keep fighting for another day. You are the baddest!

So this is how it begins.
Growing up, I wasn’t really the most outgoing, confident type of kid. I’ve always been so closeted and shy and quiet. All the teachers that been dealing with me said the same things, that I’m capable to do tasks and stuff but I’m too quiet. I could improve more if I hadn’t been too quiet. All said I’m too quiet.
I mean yes, I admit, but I’m not really that quite. I’m loud around people I’m comfortable with. Doesn’t mean I wasn’t comfortable around all of those teachers, maybe the environment at that time doesn’t allow me or not so supportive of my already complicated self.
High school, was the first time I ever had a panic attack. I was having a hard time getting to know people. I mean, it always takes me some time to make friends, but that time was so hard because before that my life already so messed up, I was in that zone. Addicted to self-harm, cried myself to sleep every night. Second guessing myself all the time. Literally, mess up. But one of a friend, an adult friend said it’s a phase, a hormone imbalance and that I’ll get through it and she helped me by the way, thank god. But then she had to move away so I was alone.
Back to having a panic attack on the first week of high school, couldn’t fit in, couldn’t make some friend, cried, and panicked. That’s when it strikes, the panic attack.
It wasn’t so bad because I could still handle it, but it could’ve been worse, you know.
But then I ended up with some friends at the end. Lot of them that I’m so thankful for their existence until now.
Having so many friends didn’t make it all go away. All those years I’m in and off that zone and struggling all the time. Stopping self-harm was the worst because it was so addictive. It made it as if it’s the medicine of the pain I felt inside and I couldn’t stop because it was the cure, the medicine, the morphine I needed.
However, I was very determined to get it over with. And so with the support I got from my adult friend and another friend I haven’t talked about, I went through it. I stopped. Slowly but surely.
Another problem I was and am still dealing with is also lack of communication. I’m not the type of person who likes to “curhat” with their friends just like other girls or people. I have a trust issue therefore I always bottled everything up alone and thought I could deal with it myself. That’s when I got very overwhelmed, I started to talk it out with 2 of my very trusted people in the world. I talked to them because I felt safe and I felt like I wasn’t being judged by my doing. They never questioned why I did what I did and respected my decision. Those 2 people are the reason I’m still alive now.
By the way, as I said, slowly but surely, I got better. It took me 3 years to finally said I felt better. By 2017, my last year of senior high was the happiest I’ve ever been.
2018, a new chapter, new life. Uni life. I was faced with the same issue I had when I got in high school. But then again, I was still in the happy mode so I went through it nicely.
It began in the midst of 2018, I was on my 3rd semester when I felt it came back
I started to feel less happy. I felt overwhelmed by everything, I was sad almost all the time, I doubted myself, comparing myself to others, felt very unimpressed by myself. I threw all the self loathing everyday to myself. Everything became really dark and useless, then I felt like I couldn’t live anymore, that it’s too difficult to continue living.
I started to lose focus in most of my classes, when I was in a certain situation my mind was elsewhere. I could be on a bus on my way to campus when I realized tears suddenly came streaming down my cheeks (literally nangis out of nowhere!!) Felt the heaviness in my chest, felt out of breath, another self-harm, felt like I can’t control my mind and I’m losing it all the time and the worst of them all, sometimes I lost my consciousness. Like I was possessed. Like something took over my body and my mind and that wasn’t me. It was so terrifying and I’m aware of it and I was so worried about my well-being.

So I made one of the biggest decision I’ve ever made in my entire life. I decided to go to the therapist (psychiatrist). It was a huge decision for me, having literally zero experience in this kind of stuff, I brave myself to go. From there, I got my first diagnosis, which is Major Depressive Disorder or MDD and high functioning anxiety which I will explain later.

A comeback

Hello friends…

It’s been roughly 5 years since the last time I posted. So many things have happened since then and I eager to share it to you all. I hope what I’m about to write here can help you guys and be inspired. I’m so happy to finally be able to write again. So for all of you who new here, Welcome! This is a safe place for you to open up, to tell stories you’re always afraid to share. Hey, no judgment okay… We’re all mad here.

The Carrier ( Louis Tomlinson’s Fanfiction Indonesian Version )

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Kembali pada tahun 1963, Louis hanya seorang pria normal, sama seperti Kamu dan Aku. Dia menjalani hidupnya, bergaul dengan teman – teman sebayanya, bekerja dengan menggunakan sepeda motornya, bergabung dengan geng, mengurus adiknya …. hal-hal biasa. Sampai semuanya berhenti. Sampai dia harus pergi. Tapi tidak semuanya diselesaikan dan ia membuat keputusan yang membuat dia menjadi The Carrier
………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Rumah itu penuh dengan canda tawa dari seorang gadis cantik yang berusia tujuh tahun. Saudara laki-lakinya, Louis, sedang bermain dengan-nya, membuat-nya terbang melintasi rumah sederhana mereka, sementara ibu mereka tersenyum hangat kepada mereka sambil menyetrika pakaian. Mereka adalah keluarga kecil, ayah mereka meninggalkan mereka semua beberapa tahun lalu, ketika Emily mungil lahir, meninggalkan mereka berjuang sendiri untuk memenuhi kebutuhan. Mereka bukan keluarga yang lengkap, tapi mereka bahagia.

Louis telah meninggalkan SMA untuk memulai bekerja dan membantu ibunya, juggling antara pekerjaan dan kehidupan social-nya sendiri. Meskipun hampir semua uang yang dia peroleh diperuntukan untuk keluarganya, dia tidak mengeluh. Sama sekali tidak mengeluh… Dia mencintai ibunya dan adik perempuannya dengan segenap hatinya dan ia akan melakukan apa saja untuk membantu mereka untuk memiliki kehidupan yang layak. Ibunya bekerja sebagai buruh cuci di kota sementara ia harus merawat rumah dan Emily. Louis harus menjadi tulang punggung di usia lima belas tahun dan dia merasa baik-baik saja dengan itu, ia bahkan tidak membenci ayahnya lagi. Mereka senang, mereka tidak punya cukup uang, tetapi mereka memiliki satu sama lain.

“ Turunkan Aku Louis! ” Kata Emily sambil kecicikan “ Oh, kamu enggak mau terbang seperti malaikat – malaikat kecil itu ? ” Tanya Louis, masih menggendongnya tinggi dan berputar bersama-nya “ Aku kira kamu sangat berharap untuk bisa terbang ” Sambung Louis “ Adduuuhhh aku mulai pusing ” Dia tertawa, begitu pula Louis, sebelum menurunkannya dan memberikannya pelukan hangat. “ Baiklah, pelajaran terbang selesai, dan kamu harus mengerjakan PR mu! ” Kata Louis, menahan berat badan Emily di lutut-nya sambil mengelus lembut rambut pendek cokelat-nya. Emily tidak ingin mempunyai rambut panjang, seperti ibu-nya. Dia ingin seperti Louis. Jadi setiap Helena, ibu mereka, memotong rambut Louis dia harus memotong rambut Emily juga. Emily adalah cahaya bagi Louis, dan Louis adalah cahaya bagi Emily. “ Tapi PR sangat membosankan, kamu saja enggak ngerjain PR ! ” Dia cemberut dan Louis tertawa. “ Itu karena aku harus bekerja, yang mengingatkan aku akan… umm aku harus pergi. Jadilah anak yang baik! ” Kata Louis sambil mendaratkan sebuah ciuman kecil di dahi Emily. “ Pulanglah lebih awal ! Aku sangat menyayangi-mu! ” Kata Emily. Louis hanya tersenyum, dia tidak menjanjikan apa – apa. Louis memiliki pekerjaan di restoran dan ia bekerja sampai larut malam, tapi setelah itu dia tidak kembali ke rumah, ia punya rencana lain.
Dia bangkit berdiri dan mengucapkan selamat tinggal kepada ibunya, yang memintanya untuk berhati-hati. Dia tahu rencana Louis setelah shift berakhir, tapi dia tidak mengatakan semuanya dengan keras sehingga Emily tidak akan mendengar mereka.
“Aku akan baik-baik saja Mum, Jangan khawatir” Janjinya dengan senyum lebar sebelum mencium pipinya dan meninggalkan rumah, meraih kunci motor-nya dan jaket denim-nya. Helm-nya sudah berada di motor-nya jadi dia hanya melompat dan pergi ke restoran, siap bekerja sepanjang hari.
+ + +
Shift-nya pun akhirnya berakhir dan Louis merasa sangat lelah, tapi ia masih harus pergi ke tempat lain, di mana semua teman-temannya sedang menunggunya. Tak satu pun dari mereka mengenalnya sejak SMA, mereka hanya orang-orang yang bertemu dengan-nya satu malam ketika ia pergi keluar berjalan, kewalahan untuk semua tanggung jawab yang dia punya, putus asa karena ia melihat ibunya menangis, sedih karena adiknya tidak memiliki ayah lagi . Dia telah pergi, berlari, berteriak-teriak di bawah hujan ketika sekelompok bikers menemukannya. Malam itu, dia pikir dia akan mati, Louis kira, mereka akan membunuhnya atau melakukan sesuatu kepada-nya, tapi, mereka malah membantu-nya dan menyambut-nya dalam geng mereka.

Louis belajar banyak dengan mereka tentang motor dan mereka membantu Louis memperbaiki motor-nya. Mereka mengajarinya bermotor. Mereka mengajak Louis untuk berlomba dimana dia bisa membuat, menambah sedikit uang lebih untuk ibunya. Mereka adalah keluarga kedua Louis.

Jadi setelah Shift, Louis akan selalu pergi untuk menemui mereka. Louis mencintai keluarganya dan ia puas dengan hidupnya. Tapi untuk pergi kesana dan melupakan semua tanggung jawab-nya untuk sementara, untuk beberapa jam sangat bagus bagi Louis. Setelah semua yang terjadi, dia hanya seorang cowok dua puluh dua tahun, ia masih sangat muda. Dan adrenalin untuk bermotor di malam hari, daripada hanya tidur dirumah sangat tidak sama. Sangat berbeda.

Suatu hari, ia pergi ke gudang di mana geng-nya bertemu, ia turun dari motornya dan berjalan menuju teman – teman-nya. Lima belas anggota geng menyambutnya dengan senyum dan anggukan kepala mereka dan sampai Louis berhenti di samping Scott, orang yang dianggapnya hampir seperti seorang ayah. Louis juga percaya bahwa ia juga seperti anak bagi Scott.
“Bagaimana harimu, Nak?” Scott bertanya, membungkus lengannya di Louis dalam satu pelukan erat dan kasar sebelum membiarkan dia pergi.
” Panjang ” jawab Louis sambil mengangkat bahu. “Anak-anak orang kaya membuatku gila”
“Pada semua orang Lou. Mereka seperti wabah,” Scott berkomentar sambil tertawa.
“Lagi pula, kita memiliki kabar baik. Ada balapan malam ini dan kamu bisa mendapatkan uang yang cukup banyak, aku yakin ibumu akan menggunkannya dengan sangat baik ”
“Emily membutuhkan sepatu baru, sepatu-mya sudah berlubang sekarang ” aku Louis. Dari semua orang di geng, hanya Scott yang tau tentang isu-isu moneter Louis di rumah.
“ dan kamu akan membeli sepatu baru itu besok, nak”

Setelah beberapa saat di sana, sebelum memeriksa semua motor mereka, mereka membuat kelompok dan akan bertemu di persimpangan di mana balapan akan berlangsung. Louis yakin, dia adalah seorang biker yang baik. Dia belajar semuanya dari Scott dan ia adalah yang terbaik.
Setelah mereka menemukan jalan, mereka bertemu dengan semua geng lain. Mereka keras, minum, bahkan berkelahi. Khas pengendara pada waktu itu di malam hari. Louis sudah terbiasa dengan hal itu, ia bahkan tidak bergeming ketika dua cowok melompat di depannya, perkelahian antara diri mereka sendiri. Louis hanya melaju melewati mereka dan mengikuti geng-nya sendiri.

Dua puluh menit kemudian ia sudah siap untuk berlomba, Louis yakin dia akan menang, ditambah biker lain sudah minum beberapa beer. Louis sudah mendengar tentang dia, dia bernama Harry, dia adalah seorang pria yang kuat dan ia memiliki banyak tato. Emily akan begitu takut padanya.
” Siap kalah,pecundang ? ” Harry mengolok-oloknya, dan Louis mengabaikannya.
“Apa hah? Ibu-mu nggak ngijinin kamu berbicara dengan orang asing? ” Pria itu bersikeras dan Louis memutar matanya.
“Tidak, tapi aku hanya tidak akan membiarkan diriku membuang-buang waktu ku dengan orang bodoh seperti mu! ” ia berbelok ke kanan hanya untuk memberinya seringai sombong sebelum fokus pada gadis yang akan memberi tanda untuk memulai.
“Aku akan menghabisimu malam ini! ” Harry berjanji dan Louis hanya memutar matanya. Dia sudah sering bertemu dengan orang yang seperti Harry sebelumnya. Semua biker berada di tempat, semangat dari para biker lain sangat terasa di atmosfer, semua orang berteriak dan mencoba untuk lebih dekat agar bisa melihat perlombaan. Mesin sudah menderu keras dan Louis siap untuk menang. Rasa adrenalin dan tegang menjadi satu, mengalir di darahnya dan semua otot-nya dan ia tahu bahwa dia akan mendapatkan kemenangan malam itu dan berarti sepatu baru untuk Emily, kehidupan yang lebih baik untuknya sehingga tidak ada yang akan mengejeknya di sekolah lagi. Dia akan melindungi adiknya, dia akan merawatnya.

Bandana turun dan Louis, meluncur dalam satu gerakan fluida, meninggalkan Harry di belakang. Itu adalah kemampuan spesial Louis, cepat dan tak terduga. Tapi Harry juga sangat baik, ia memiliki motor besar dan cepat, dan meskipun Louis hebat, dia tidak memiliki uang untuk memperbarui motornya sepanjang waktu. Namun, dia melakukan yang terbaik untuk menjaga keunggulan yang sudah ia dapatkan.
Harry semakin dekat dan dekat dan Louis menambah kecepatan-nya, tetapi motor-nya sudah tidak bisa lagi, tidak bisa lebih cepat. Tapi harus bisa. Untuk Emily. Harus bisa.

Tapi ternyata tidak. Harry menangkap dia dan tidak hanya itu, ia menyerang Louis. Motor Harry lebih besar dari Louis dan ia melemparkan-nya pada Louis, berulang-ulang untuk menakut-nakuti. Tapi Louis mencoba untuk menjaga keseimbangan, ia berjuang untuk tetap berada dalam jalur, tapi saat Harry benar-benar menendangnya dengan kakinya, keduanya jatuh.

Dalam hitungan detik, motor Louis berada tepat di atas dia, menyeretnya melintasi trotoar, mengguling-nya, mematahkan semua tulang-tulangnya, kehilangan bagian di sepanjang jalan. Rasanya tak ada habisnya, seperti itu tidak akan pernah berhenti, tapi itu terjadi, dan akhirnya berhenti. Dan Louis masih hidup …nyaris. Dia bahkan tidak bisa merasakan tubuhnya lagi, tapi ia sadar, ia bisa melihat Harry dengan motor di atas tubuhnya beberapa meter jauhnya, tapi tetap saja, dia bahkan tidak berteriak. Louis tidak berteriak lagi. Dia tidak merasakan apa-apa.

Dia pindah, atau ia mencoba untuk bergerak tapi itu hanya membuat ia merasakan sesuatu, rasa sakit yang begitu brutal dan Louis berteriak seperti dia tidak pernah berteriak sebelumnya. Kesakitan, ia memandang tubuhnya, dengan darah yang bercucuran seperti air mancur.

tapi itu bukan yang terburuk, tidak semua.

Dia juga melihat bagaimana tangki bensin itu berlubang dan bensin menetes di seluruh tubuhnya. Sangat tidak baik dan berbahaya dan jika ia tidak bergerak cepat, ia akan mati, di sana. Tapi bagaimana dia bisa pindah jika ia tertimpa sebuah bar besi besar melintasi tubuhnya dan menjepit-nya di trotoar?

Louis mulai cemas, mencoba untuk bergerak tapi itu hanya melukai dirinya lebih dan lebih dan dia mulai benar-benar merasakan betapa tulang-tulang-nya patah, kakinya di sudut yang paling tidak wajar, tangannya tidak bergerak. tidak satu bagian dari tubuhnya menrespon panggilan mentalnya, ia terjebak dan tidak ada seorang pun yang berada dalam perjalanan mereka. Harry dan dia terjebak di sana.

tapi kemudian yang terburuk terjadi, motor Harry meledak, ledakan besar dan keras yang mungkin akan membuat semua orang mendengarnya. Dan ledakan itu akan membawa orang – orang, yang akan menggandeng mereka ke tempat kecelakaan … tapi itu akan terlambat karena pada saat mereka akan datang ke tempat kejadian, Louis sudah akan mati. Dia tahu itu. Dia menerimanya.

“Emily” Dia berbisik, berpikir bahwa ia tidak akan membelikannya sepasang sepatu baru, bahwa ia tidak akan melindunginya dari anak-anak jahat di sekolah, ” Mum” yang disebutnya berikutnya. Siapa yang akan membantunya di rumah? yang akan membawa uang ke rumah sekarang? Mereka membutuhkannya. Mereka tidak bisa ditinggal sendirian. “Aku minta maaf” rengeknya dan pada saat kata-kata itu meninggalkan bibirnya, sepedanya meledak juga, mengambil hidupnya bersama ledakan itu, tapi tidak cintanya, tidak tanggung jawab-nya, bukan tekadnya.

Ledakan itu mengambil tubuhnya, bukan Jiwanya.

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Basically my life as a fangirl

 I realize that many of you already know what a fangirl is. I realize that odds are, if you are a fellow twitter-er or tumble-er ( i dont know what the hell is that but im sure as hell you know what i meant ), there is a 99.9% chance that you are a fangirl. But, as I have been recently discovering, there are many people who have never actually heard of fangirls. Many times, I have exclaimed that I ship a pairing only to be asked, “So do you like using FedEx or the UPS better?” Many of these people are our closest friends or bewildered family members. This post is like a Get out of Jail Free card for all of those times you’ve attempted to explain what you mean by “fandom” or “OTP” and failed miserably. Just send this post to your friends, your family, and your next door neighbor who keeps wondering why you cry every time someone mentions Sherlock ( for me ), One Direction, Justin Bieber, or 5sos whatevszz

 1. What is a “Fangirl?” 

We lurk amongst you unnoticed. We are in your schools, your malls, even your homes. We are the fangirls. And we are everywhere. Some of you may not know what a “fangirl” is. Some of you may be wondering, “What is this strange new word? Should I be frightened?” The answer to the latter question is yes. Be afraid, be very afraid. As for the question of what is a fangirl, a fangirl is someone who is extremely enthusiastic, basically to the point of obsession, about a band, a television show, a person, or anything really. I’m sure there are even people out there who fangirl about cheese. Fangirling is not just a hobby, it is a way of life. There are many subsections of fangirls, from those who fangirl over One Direction to those who fangirl over Sherlock Holmes. People can belong to many fandoms or to just one, but let’s be honest, it’s practically impossible to belong to just one. Once you join your first fandom, it’s just a matter of time before you fall down the rabbit hole and discover that you’ve somehow joined about 27 different fandoms. For anyone who doesn’t know, a “fandom” is a collection of people who fangirl over the same things. For example, if you fangirl about 5 seconds of summer, you would be a part of the 5sos fandom.

 

2. Tumblr and Twitter is our Home

If you’re on Tumblr or Twitter or both, and you aren’t a fangirl, then you may have heard of us. We’re the other half of Tumblr and Twitter: those people who come onto your “deep” posts about “life” and “love” and improve them with pictures from Supernatural or Teen Wolf with captions like “MY FEELS” or “OMG THIS IS SO DESTIEL I JUST CAN’T”. Tumblr and Twitter is the fangirl’s natural habitat, and many of us spend 99.9% of our time scrolling down our Dashboards/ Timelines and crying about attractive fictional characters. Speaking honestly, I actually do not understand what people do on Tumblr/Twitter. If they aren’t fandom blogs. The mind, it baffles. If this was last year, I would probably be stabbed for even mentioning Tumblr/Twitter. I’d be stabbed for mentioning any of this. Actually, I still might be stabbed for mentioning any of this; I’m divulging trade secrets here. So let’s just have this be our little secret okay? Okay.

 

3. Shipping (*Ominous Music*)

Now, we’ve come to the time when we’re about to go into the deep, dark corners of the minds of fangirls. If you keep reading, there’s no turning back. You see, there’s this thing called shipping. Shipping is an integral part of fangirling. When you say that you “ship” two people together, you are saying that you support them in a relationship. It can refer to platonic relationships, but let’s be real here guys, it usually means romantic relationships. For example, many people in the 1D fandom ship Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson or we called Larry Stylinson, together; meaning, basically, that they want them to get married and have like 600 children and be together forever. That’s the dream. You could say that Larry Stylinson, is many 1D fans’ OTP. I know, I know, more strange words. Learning about fangirls is like learning a new language. One day, the language of the fangirls will be taught in classrooms across the nation. Anyway, “OTP” stands for “One True Pairing”, meaning the ship that someone ships the most. I’m explaining this fairly casually, but this is some serious stuff we’re talking about. Pro tip: If you want to insult someone’s OTP, don’t. I don’t care if they’re shipping Draco Malfoy with an apple (which, yes, is a real thing). If you insult their OTP I cannot guarantee your safety.

 

So that’s a very basic insight into the mind of a fangirl, but to really make my point, here is a day in the life of your stereotypical fangirl:

7:00 am: Wake up for school disgruntled because your dream about your OTP has been unceremoniously cut short.

7:45 am -3:00 pm: Spend most of your school day relating everything you see to one of your fandoms. (For example: “Look, a roof! Sherlock fell from a roof once. Reichenbach feels!”, “Look, that class door! I wonder if The Boys suddenly come and sing in front of class”, etc.) Make some fandom related jokes. Cry because you can’t go on Tumblr/Twitter.

4:00 pm – 6:00 pm: Go home and log on to Tumblr/Twitter. Briefly consider doing your homework. Get distracted by a picture of Harry Styles on Tumblr. before you can actually be productive.

            6:30 pm: Eat lots of food.

            7:00 pm – 11:00 pm: Tumblr – Twitter

            11:30 pm: Finally remember your homework. Cry a little.                                                         

12:30 am – 6:45 am: More Tumbl and Twitter. No sleep.

7:00 am: Wake up for school disgruntled because your dream about your OTP has been unceremoniously cut short.

 

So this has been a crash-course in the art of fangirling. I’ve done my best, but honestly, this is just the tip of the iceberg. If you still have no idea what is going on, I’m sorry. In the words of Youtube sensation danisnotonfire: “Run. Run, and never get involved in this.”

 

Poem : Life Of A Fangirl

Three times your age,
And twice your height.
About their accents we rage,
And we faint at their sight.

The characters they portray,
Bring out impossible expectations in men,
Some fans actually pray,
That the writer won’t kill them.

Some story-lines are complicated,
Some are quite romantic.
You’ll cry when a character dies,
Then your mood swings are gigantic!

 

 

 

credit: thesprout.co.uk

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The Carrier ( Louis Tomlinson’s Fanfiction )

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Back in 1963, Louis was just a normal guy, just like you and me. He lived his life, hanging out with their peers, working with his motorcycle, join the gang, taking care of her sister …. the usual stuff. Until everything stops. Until he had to go. But not everything is resolved and he made a decision that made him into The Carrier

The house was filled with laughter from a beautiful seven yeard old girl . His brother, Louis, was playing with her, making her fly across their simple homes, while their mother smiled warmly to them while ironing clothes. They’re a small family, their father left them all a few years ago, when little Emily was born, leaving them to fend for themselves to make ends meet. They aren’t a complete family, but they are happy.
Louis had left high school to start work and help his mother, juggling between work and social life of his own. Although almost all of the money he earned intended for his family, he didn’t complain at all … He loves his mother and his sister with all his heart and he would do anything to help them to have a decent life. His mother worked as a laundry worker in the city while he had to take care of the house and Emily. Louis should be the backbone at the age of fifteen years and he felt fine with it, he doesn’t hate his father even more. They are happy, they don’t have enough money, but they have each other. “ Let me down, Louis! ” Emily said with a giggle
“ Oh, you don’t want to fly like those little angel, do you ? ” Louis asked, still holding her and spins with her
“ I thought you really want to fly ” add Louis
“ Aaahhh I’m getting dizzy, ” she laughed, as did Louis, before let her down and gave her a warm hug.
“ All right, flying lessons is done , and now, you have to do your homeworks! ” Louis said, hold Emily’s weight in his knee while gently stroking her brown short hair. Emily didn’t want to have long hair, like her mother. He wanted to be like Louis. So everytime Helena, their mother, do Louis’s haircut, she had to cut Emily’s hair too.
Emily is light for Louis, and Louis is light for Emily.
“ But homeworks is so boring, you don’t do homeworks! ” She pouted and Louis laughed.
“ That’s because I have to work, which reminds me … umm I have to go. Be a good girl! ” Louis said as he landed a small kiss on Emily’s forehead. “ Go home early! I love you so much! ” Said Emily. Louis just smiled, he didn’t promise anything. Louis has a job at a restaurant and he works until late at night, but after that he didn’t return home, he had other plans.
He stood up and said goodbye to his mother, who asked him to be careful. She knew what Louis is going to do after his shift ended, but she doesn’t say it all out loud so that Emily wouldn’t hear them.
“ I’ll be alright Mum, Do not worry ” he promised with a grin before kissing her cheek and left the house, grabbed his bike lock and his denim jacket. His helmet was in his motorcycle so he just jumped and went to the restaurant, ready to work all day.
———–
His shift finally ended and Louis felt so tired, but he still had to go to another place, where all his friends were waiting. None of them knew him since high school, they are just people who met him one night when he went out walking, overwhelmed for all the responsibilities that he has, because he is desperate to see her mother crying, sad because her sister didn’t have a father again. He has gone, running, screaming in the rain when a group of bikers find him. That night, he thought he was going to die, Louis thought, they would kill him or do anything to him, but, no they helped him and welcome him into their gang. Louis learned a lot from them about motors and helped Louis fixing his motorcycle. They taught him how to ride a motorcycle. They invited Louis to compete where he can create, add a little more money for his mother. They’re like the second family for Louis. So after the Shift, Louis would always go to see them. Louis loved his family and he is satisfied with his life. But to go there and forget all his responsibilities for a while, for a few hours is great for Louis. After all that happened, he was just a twenty-two years old boy, he was still so young. And the adrenaline to ride a motorcycle at night, rather than just sleeping at home is so different. Completely different.

——————-
One day, he went to the warehouse where the gang met, he fell down from his bike and walked to his mates. Fifteen gang members greeted him with a smile and nod their heads untill Louis stopped next to Scott, the man that he regarded almost as a father. Louis also believe that He also like a son for Scott.
“ How was your day , son ? ” Scott asked , wrapping his arm tight and rough around Louis before letting him go .                                                                                                                                                                     “ Long ” Louis replied with a shrug . “ Rich kids are driving me insane ”                                                      “ For everyone Lou. They like the plague, ” Scott remarked with a laugh .
“ Besides , we have good news.There’s races tonight and you can get enough money, I’m sure your mother would use it very well “
“ Emily needs new shoes , her shoes had holes now ” Louis said. Out of people in the gang, Scott is the only one who knows about Louis’s monetary issues at home .
“ And you will buy new shoes tomorrow , kid “
After a while there, before checking all their bikes, they make a group and will meet at the intersection where the race will take place. Louis believed, he is a good biker. He learned everything from Scott and he is the best.
Once they find their way, they met with all the other gangs. They’re loud, drinking, and even fighting. Typical rider at that time. Louis is already get used to it, he didn’t even flinch when two guys jumped in front of him, a fight between themselves. Louis just drove past them and follow his own gang. Twenty minutes later he was ready to compete, Louis believes he would win, plus other biker had drink some beer.
Louis had heard about him, his name is Harry, he is a strong man and he has a lot of tattoos. Emily will be so afraid of him.
“ Ready to lose, loser ? ” Harry mocked him, and Louis ignore.
“ What huh? Your mom doesn’t fucking allow you to talk to strangers? ” Harry was insisted and Louis rolled his eyes.
“ No, but I’m just not going to allow my god damned self to waste my fucking time with an asshole stupid bastard person like you! ” He turned right just to give him a cocky grin before focusing on the girl who would give the signal to start.
“ I will fucking kill you tonight! “ Harry promised and Louis just rolled his eyes. He had often met with people like Harry before. All bikers are in place, the spirit of the other bikers are felt in the atmosphere, everyone are screaming and trying to get closer in order to see the race. Machines already roaring loud and Louis is ready to win. Sense of adrenaline and strained into one, flowing in his blood and all his muscles and he knew that he would get a victory that evening and means new shoes for Emily, a better life for her so that no one will be tauted at school again. He will protect his sister, he would take care of her. The bandana down and Louis, drove in one fluid motion, leaving Harry behind. It is a special ability of Louis, fast and unpredictable. But Harry is also very good, he has a big bike and fast, and although Louis was great, he didn’t have a lot of money to renew his bike all the time. However, he did his best to keep the advantage he had got.
Harry getting closer and closer and Louis augment his speed, but the bike was already could not be faster. But it should be. For Emily. It should be. But it did not. Harry catches him and not only that, he attacked Louis. Harry bike is bigger than Louis and he threw him on Louis, repeatedly to scare. But Louis tries to keep the balance, he struggles to stay on the road, but when Harry really kicked it with his foot, both of them fall. Within seconds, Louis’s bike was right on top of him, dragged him across the pavement, roll it, broke all his bones, missing parts along the way. It seemed endless, like it will never stop, but it happens, and eventually stopped. And Louis is still alive … barely. He could not even feel his body again, but he’s awake, he could see Harry with his motorcycle over a few feet away, but still, he did not even scream. Louis did not scream anymore. He did not feel anything.
He moved, or he tries to move but it only makes him feel something, the pain that is so brutal and Louis screaming like he never screamed before. In pain, he looked at himself, with blood streaming down like a fountain.
but it was not the worst, not all.
He also saw how the gas tank is hollow and gasoline dripping all over his body. Is not very good and dangerous, and if he does not move quickly, he would die there. But how the hell he can move if he got hit by a great iron bar across his body and clamping him on the sidewalk?
Louis began to worry, try to move but it only hurt him more and more and he started to really feel how his bones broken, his legs in the most unnatural angle, his hands do not move. Not every single one part of his body respond to his mentally call, he was stuck and there was no one who was on their way. Harry and him stuck there.
but then the worst thing happens, Harry’s bike exploaded, huge and loud explosions that might make everyone hear it. And that blast might will bring people who will hold them to their place… but it will be too late because by the time they will come to their place, Louis was about to die. He knows it. He accepted it.
” Emily ” He whispered, thinking that he wouldn’t buy her a new pair of shoes, that he wouldn’t protect her from the evil kids in school,   ” Mum ” is the next that he called. Who’s going to help her at home? that will bring money for them now? They need it. They can’t be left alone. ” I’m sorry ” he whined and when the words left his lips, his bike exploded as well, with the explosion that took his life, but not his love, not his responsibility, not his determination.

The explosions took his body, not his soul.

//

//

//

Double day💃

Hii again everyone! How is it going? I just got home from French class and im so fucking tired. Like before im gona post a lil thing about my day was going. Start from yesterday? Okay it wont take a while i guess. 

So yesterday was the last examination day ( for this week ) too much exams so i decided to go to mall. I got friend who accompany me. Jilan. My bestie💕 we went to cinema then to watch Captain America. It was freaking awesome! The movie i meant. I, myself is Marvel fan. I mean i love everything about Marvel superhero. After that, we went to Disc Album to buy One Direction Midnight Memories Year Book. Im a big fan of one direction too if you guys wondering. Et puis, we went home. We stucked in traffic for maybe 1 hour and half. That wasnt cool. So yeah.

Today, i had a lil fight with my bro and my mom. They’re so annoying. I didnt talk to them until tonight lol. I also had French class. It went fine i think. I learned about numbers. So basic i know. But its so fucking hard! Im thankful my brain would compromise. After that i went to music school bc my sis had violin class. I play violin as well. The teacher seems notice about ” i can play violin too dude here watch me play some music ” me play (bother my sister) violin. I dont fucking care. I always love attention. And then my dad drove us home. On the way home, he stoped at McDonalds. We bought the take away meals and go home. 

So thats it. Nothing special huh? I wonder if you would a lil bit surprise. I will tell everything. It is just about time. Ha. 

Late night

Hii. Its 10:50 im writing right now. I actually dont have idea what ti write. The battery is 15% left fuck it. So let me tell you about how was my day today. 

So my day was sucks. My friend, karla didnt show up since yesterday and i starting wondering what makes her not gone for school? I brought her chocolate until its melted. And now the chocolate is nothing interesting bc the shape is awfully awful lol. 

The break bell rang, i ran to Jilan’s class and decide to eat lunch there. We talked. We always good. Me and Jilan. We’re best friend i suppose? But idek. We’re grant each other. 

The bell rang again. I went back to my classroom. The fucking hell boredom classroom. Everyone in my class seems like dont give a fuck at all about my fucking existance in that class. Everyone are have their own bussiness, dont know fucking what. Everyone in class are like pretending to be a friend with someone else. Funny. Or maybe not. Thats why i’ve never had a friend. Im friendless. Or maybe i do have friend but i dont notice their existance. If so, what a bitch I am. 

Math is the most ridicilous lesson ever. I dont give a fuck if i never make it to get a good grade for math bc i hate it. And the teacher as well, seems like dont give a shit at all. The class went by just like that. Boring. Never be interesting and never will. The teacher left.

science should be the next leason but the teacher werent coming. So bored again. I decided to borrow my friend’s phone to play a game. First, i played. Then i got bored so i went took a selfie but people in class seems like notice the existance of the camera. They cant help it but begging for took a picture of them. They’re wild. They also like ” effect ” person. Its like they cant even take a picture without an effect. I left. Things go back boring

 The bell rang. I cant help it but feel relief. Then i went home.